Yet another sob story (and a little about France)

Well, I guess I should start by writing that things never developed between Tim and me. He seems like another lifetime ago, to be honest. I did meet somebody else, however, by the name of Kristopher Alan Mayo. I love(d) him so very much. We were together for a little over a month and I was actually thinking that my search might be over. But, alas, the same damn story... I honestly blame the two weeks spent in France away. Kristopher and I had spent almost every day with each other for two weeks (including a beautiful Christmas Eve and a wonderful New Year's Eve and Day). I just don't think we were strong enough in our relationship to spend that kind of time apart. When I came back he told me he no longer had feelings for me. He didn't know why, but the "spark" had been lost. I haven't talked to him in several days, but I will call him soon so we can try a friendship. We definitely have some kind of connection so I want to at least try being friends.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I spent two weeks in France (the first week in Paris and the second in Provence). I much preferred Paris to Provence but both were amazing. It's hard to believe that I actually saw the Eiffel Tower and the Mona Lisa up close. The rest of the Louvre as well as the Musee D'Orsay was amazing too. I also got to put my feet into the Mediterranean Sea and go inside Notre Dame... So many things I've always dreamed about now a reality... I'm still trying to decide if it was worth this aching in my heart. I know in the long run it was though.

I didn't know it could be like this!

I think I failed to mention that I broke it off with TJ (amicably) on October 30. It just wasn't working out. I had started to really resent him and as much as I love(d) him, I knew I deserved better. Anyway, just thought I'd put that out there so you all don't think I'm cheating on TJ! After last night, I am so thankful that God or Fate or whatever gave me the strength to end it with TJ because now I know how I should be treated.

No, I'm not going to claim I'm in love or anything. Been there, done that, know better now. But, I am very giddy and happy right now! I have been talking to Tim for a couple of weeks now and we went on our first date last night. It was so wonderful. I have been on many dates, but I have never been treated so wonderfully. We went out to dinner (which he paid for) and had stimulating, intellectual conversation. We have so much in common and share many of the same beliefs and ideas. We talked about theatre and literature and traveling and politics... It was so refreshing in comparison to other dates I've been on.

And, the best part was at the end of the evening he gave me a painting of an Italian landscape with sunflowers. (I had told him just in passing that my dream is to see Italy and that my dorm room is decorated in a Tuscan/sunflower theme). I was so overwhelmed and appreciative that not only did he remember that but he took the time to go out and find that painting. He was a perfect gentleman too. He kissed me good night and we made plans for over Thanksgiving Break. He's also coming to the plays that I'm doing now at the end of this month. I really hope that things can work out with Tim. I kinda like this one.

All you need is love...

TJ and I are, once again, back together! We spent a wonderful night together and we both wanted each other back. We had been dating inexclusively for the past several weeks, but TJ never dated anybody else and I only dated one other guy named Billy (I was still madly in love with TJ though). Billy is pretty upset that TJ and I are back together, but I had to follow my heart. In a lot of ways, Billy probably is a "better" match for me, but my heart couldn't be convinced. I really hope TJ and I can stay together and work our issues out. There is so much more riding on our being together this time around.

Where, oh, where to start...?

Wow. So much has happened. I think that should be my signature statement for this blog since by the time I actually update it, it's the truth! But, where to start? Let's see...

TJ broke up with me...again. But, this time it more more mutual, although he was the breaker-upper (Is that even a word?). Anyway, it's been a little over three weeks now, and I'm just now getting over it. :( At first, it was more mutual because I was becoming more and more unhappy in the relationship. After he ended it, I was naturally devasted and cried a LOT, but I was also slightly relieved. I knew it had to end, but I didn't want to do it. After a few days afterwards though I started to have second thoughts. I knew I was still in love with him; I still am actually. Realistically, I know we aren't right together, but emotionally, I refuse to believe it. The reasons TJ gave for breaking it off are very true, but it still hurts to admit. We are so different from one another and need and want totally different things out of a relationship and out of life in general. We still talk everyday and we are going to be friends. It's just taking longer to heal than I had expected it would.

On a lighter note, I just got back from a short vacation with my dad. We went to Holland, MI for a couple of days. It was really nice there. It is famous for its Dutch village. We went to see their windmill that actually came from the Netherlands and got to see a tour of it and go up it. We also saw some dutch dancers, which was neat. I got some authentic dutch wooden shoes! Downtown Holland was awesome. There was always something going on, and the atmosphere was just great! On our way back home, we stopped by Lake Michigan for a bit too. :) It was a nice time, but the first day was pretty bad for me. My ear was hurting from my surgery and I got a little sick. :(

Speaking of surgery, I had my surgery! lol It went, and I quote my ENT doctor, "beautifully." My check-up afterwards went very well also. My second check-up is Monday. I was so scared to get surgery, but it wasn't really so bad. My doctor doesn't think I will have to get another one, but it's still a good possibility. TJ came to the hospital to be with me, which really made me happy. One of the nurses told me before I went to sleep to think of something nice, and I immediately thought of TJ. So, I saw his face as I fell asleep and his was the first face I saw when I woke up. :) Lord, I do love him so much...

We went to Niagara Falls this summer too. It was me, my dad, my uncle Robert, my aunt Melinda, and my cousins Heather and Sarah. It was so beautiful! I got to go right underneath the falls on the Maid of the Mist, the boat, and a guided tour called Cave of the Winds. So cool!

And, well, that's been my life for the past month or so... Post to you later!

TJ and I got back together

Well, it's been one hell of an emotional week for me. I've been through so many emotions, it's not even funny - a lot of times more than one at the same time. Since TJ broke up with me, I've felt angry, worried, confused, scared, stressed, insecure, depressed, etc.

TJ called me for the first time after our break-up a few days later. I had convinced myself that I would never hear from him again because he had told me he would call earlier than that. He was upset too, but after talking he said although he wanted to be with me that he couldn't. That just made even more confused. I was getting through the grieving process, but after talking to him, I didn't know what to do.

We talked again the next day. TJ and I talked about what had happened and we both apolgized, and told each other we loved and missed one another. He said he still didn't know if we should get back together, but that there was still hope.

During all of this, I kept getting so much advice from friends and family that I didn't know who to listen to or what to do. I had never felt so overwhelmed. Some people were saying not to call him again and let him do all the calling, and other people were saying to call when I felt like it and not to make it into a game.

But anyway, after all of this, TJ and I decided to meet in person last night. It just so happened to be exactly a month since we had met. We cried and talked and kissed and hugged, and then talked and cried some more. We definitely got a lot of things off our chests. We decided that we deserved a second chance and so we are now back together.

I won't lie. The hurt hasn't completely gone away. My trust in him was shaken, if not completely shattered, and it will take some time for me to completely heal. And I'm sure he feels the same way when it comes to me. But I love him and he loves me and I do believe we deserve one more shot.

Life just couldn't get any worse...

TJ broke up with me yesterday. He was supposed to pick me up like usual Thursday night, but I waited and waited and waited and he never did come get me. I was obviously extremely mad, worried, and confused all at the same time. He's never broken a promise to me. Plus, he didn't even bother calling me to let me know he couldn't make it for whatever reason. So, I was a mess all Thursday night. I called him numerous times on his cell phone without getting ahold of him. So, I decided to look up his brother's number since I'd met him and his wife once and I knew that TJ visited them a lot. I never got an answer there either, so I figured I had the wrong number. Then I decided to look up his work phone and call that to see what time he left work Thursday night. His boss said around the usual time, 12 pm. He could tell I was upset and he said he'd tell TJ to call me as soon as he got in. Well, I spent all day crying and calling TJ, completely clueless. My dad had the idea to just go to his house, but of course, I had no idea how to get there because of my wonderful directions ability. So, my dad said to try Papa John's again to see if they could tell me his address. I did, but apparently when TJ worked there he was still in the process of moving and had put his and his ex's old address. So, when 5:30 (when he was supposed to come into work) rolled around I waited for him to call and he never did, so I called him on his cell again without success. Then I decided to call Papa John's again. He was just getting into work at this time. I was put on hold by this girl and then got "disconnected." Later I found out TJ had just hung up. So, I called back and TJ got on and said, "NEVER call up here!" and hung up. I tried racking my brain but I could not for the life of me figure out what in the world I had done to upset him so much. I didn't know why he was treating me this way. So, my dad decides to take me all the way to Cumberland because he said, if anything, I deserved an explanation. So, we finally found the place and, by now more mad than anything, I storm in and ask for TJ. I look back and I see him folding boxes and he looks up and sees me. After giving me this look like he wanted nothing more for me to die on the spot, he just kept working like I wasn't there. Then I just start bawling and he finally stops folding boxes and starts to go for a run. He leans over me and says, "I'm going for a run. Call me." I keep crying as he's walking out and he turns to me again and says, "Sweetheart, just call." Now, he did say "sweetheart" but his tone wasn't any more kind, so I didn't know what to think. But I call him and after all day, he finally answers. I ask him what I did to deserve all this and he says that during our last conversation on the phone around 10 pm Thursday I said something that royally pissed him off. That still told me nothing. I asked what I said that was so horrible and he said, "Nobody tells me where I can and can't take my kids." It took me a moment, but I finally realized what he was talking about. It was so absurd that I almost laughed. See, we were talking about honeymoons and he had told me that when his mom remarried she had taken the kids with them on her honeymoon. I said lightheartedly, "Well, if we ever get married, those kids are not coming on the honeymoon." And I laughed because I was trying to make a joke out of the idea of taking 6 kids on a honeymoon. But, apparently this upset him. But instead of letting me know this, he continued talking to me and then said, "Well, sweetie, I need to let my phone charge. I'll call you in a bit." Well, obviously he never did call me back. He stood me up completely. So that was his initial reason for being upset. He claimed that he had just needed time to cool down and that he was going to call me later. But when he found out that I had called his work (apparently I got his boss a little worried too and he called TJ) then it made him even more mad because he says he will not mix work and pleasure. He said he still planned on talking to me about it, but my actually coming to his work was "the biggest mistake" I could have ever made. I told him he had left me with no other choice and that I was worried and desperate. He said, "No, desperate is calling my family. This is insanity." So, apparently I did get his brother's number right... The way I see it is he was refusing to talk to me and I knew for a fact he was mad when he hung up on me and I figured if we were over, I had a right to know what the hell I did. So, I asked him, "So, what does that mean? Are you breaking up with me?" He said, "We can work on being friends, but no, I don't want to be with you." I start crying again and ask if he loved me at all. He didn't say anything which was answer enough for me. Then he says, "Of course I love you." I said since we both love each other and this was just a misunderstanding we should work it out. He didn't say anything and I thought he had hung up on me before he finally spoke. He said, "I will call you later and we'll talk." So, I said, "So, does that mean we're not over yet?" He said again, "We will talk. But, you're best bet is to go home." I asked when he would call and he said either tonight (last night) or sometime tomorrow (today). Before I hung up I said, "TJ, I love you so much." He didn't say anything. I was about to hang up when I heard him mumble, "Love-you-too-bye." And I've been crying and heart-broken ever since. He didn't call me last night, so he's either going to call me today or I will never hear from him again and I've just lost the love of my life.

Life just couldn't get better!

I am feeling sooo in love right now! I have been with my new boyfriend for exactly a week this very hour! We have been dating for two weeks this Tuesday. *contented sigh* His name is T.J. and he is 28. I was honestly beginning to believe that they didn't make men like T.J. anymore, but then he came into my life like a guardian angel. He treats me better than I have ever been treated. We've seen each other almost everyday (minus a few days) since we met for the first time on May 9. We became official May 13. :) :) Anyway, he has six kids with his ex-wife. They are Tiffany, 11, Tori, 9, Tony, 7, Travis, 5, Taressa, 3, and Tessa, 2. I've met all of them except Taressa. I must say I have fallen in love with them too. I talk to them on the phone as often as I can. :) T.J. makes me so happy. I always have a smile on my face now, except right after I have to say goodbye to him after seeing him.

I am also out of school for the summer now! Woohoo! Even more time with T.J.! *hehe* I also found out that I am going to be living in an single next year instead of rooming with somebody!!! Yea!!!! I am so excited! I started out as #2 on the waitlist. I got the email from residence life the last day of school! I know it might not seem like a big deal (hehe), but I really wanted this!

And, around my birthday, my dad gave me the deposit to go to France this coming winter! I had asked him, but I didn't think I would actually be getting to go! *screams and jumps up and down*

The only thing that coul dpossibly bring me down now is my surgery coming up. I will have to schedule that soon. But, I'm feeling a little better about it, especially now that I have T.J. He told me that nothing could possibly happen to me because he couldn't bring himself to believe that life would be cruel enough to bring me into his life just to lose me. Yes, I know, he's such a sweetie. He actually makes me cry sometimes... I love him so much.